I am determined to my health. I want to be there when my daughter gets married, and I want to be there when my son graduates college. I am financially responsible to both of them, and now I want to be physically responsible to myself. I do not have the good fortune to be able to get weightloss surgery, I have to work all this weight off the hard way.

My biggest weakness is sweets. I have a sugar addiction. So I will be recommiting myself to the gym and swearing off sweets for as long as possible. My cravings to eat at night are strong as well so I am thinking of a way to overcome all my negative urgings. I want to start back at Goodlife because to me, that is where I am most comfortable working out. The YMCA is cool for Jayden and the occasional work out but I will be going mainly to Goodlife, and theeir childcare schedule accomodates all the classes I go to. So there. i will update later as to how my week is going.

Right now I have decided not to marry even though societal pressure is high. I have to make a way for myself and be with someone I can trust and love and vice versa. I know I am a stereotype, but everyday i work  to fight that stereotype and I believe I will achieve all my hopes and dreams.  

My weekend was okay. Food wise I was terrible, eating emotionally rather than sensibly. I am emotional now. things are looking pessimistic for me right now, and I feel I have to make some rather big decisions in a short time. I hate that, i like to chew things over and over and over until I have the safest route. So ya.  the highlight was Jayden, Bella, and my father took pictures and I'm glad I finally got the professional pictures out the way, and it wasn't even as bad as it could have been. heh.

I am consider joining Dr. Bernstein and just starving the fat off of my body. Worth a try eh? And going back to Goodlife cause I don'tlike the YMCA, I don't know why, too many things to list and I am just picky. Goodlife worked for me because it's smaller and I am more comfortable in that environment, plus saycare is a breeze for Bella, Jayden can stay home and I can get groceries (sushiiiii) on a reg basis. Everything else is up in the air, will I get married? Will I have a job 3 months from now? I just have to keep moving forward and not let this all stress me. And I am still recovering from that nasty head cold the kids gave me. Otherwise I'm great and trying to remind myself I am still in control. 

I haven't been on track for mucn of the week. I caught a terrible head cold and pretty much got no exercise, and wasn't able to take advantage of the warm spell here in the GTA. I am not weighing myself but I know there can't be much change without the effort.

My brother Michael and Niece are here from Edmonton visiting, but I haven't seen much of them and I live less than 10 minutes from where they are staying. Okay, so I am tired of being "humbled" time and time again. as far as I am concerned the world is full of a**holes and I am just here too accomodate their sizeable egos. I mean why say you are visiting family when really it's just a big c**k competition to figure out who has more money and those who have more money are considered worthy of your most prescious time. Instead of bonding and spending time with my niece I can't because I am uninteresting and unworthy. i can't stay up till whenever smoking and drinking. I JUST wnat to take some pictures and go for a spa day with the niece i ameeting for the 2nd time in 13 years.

*sigh* whatevs I should be used to this bull, right?

Then I am "invited" for lunch only to not fit into the group of 'hipsters'. I can feel the awkwardness and discomfort wafting from their delicate pores because I'm fat. Fuck this shit. I'm tired of being the odd one out. I'm comfortable with me but no else seems to be sooooo I guess I'll be a loner for the rest of my life. Oh any my boyfriends in a bad mood. I think I am going to be alone and  isolated forever because trying to fit in never works and I only feel worse ablout myself. I need to feel good about myself, how else can one live, but I also need some sort of a social life, and that is seriously lacking. Something's gotta give (part II). Back to work. And I'll make sure to count calories and have an active weekend. YAY

Well I'm baaack. My weight still is an issue and I have a feeling it will be for the rest of my life. I had a baby girl named Bella, and she is 9 months old now, she is gorgeous like her mama by the way ;). So, I am just getting back on my grind and have lost about 1/2 of thew baby weight. So I have been going to the gym somewhat consistently for about a month now, 2 days a week with lieele bouts of exercise in between. But it's time to bump up the workouts, and my body hurts already. Tonight I have circuit training which consists of weights, and cardio (usually step) with 4 laps around the gym for extra torture. My goal for March is to increase from 7 days a Month (in Feb 2010) to 12 days. I am on track, and I may even walk in to wwork one of these days. Okay I'll update later.

I am back and on track. After I came back from Jamaica life has been busy for me. No spare time, I had enough time to log on, check email and then go do something else. No joke. Then summer came...and there was like so much over time at work, and mad money to be made. So I worked my ass off and now I am determined to focus on other things now in the fall. Mainly myself and my social life. I've been in a rut the last few weeks, and my spirit just would not allow to me to progress. But now I'm like "fugg it", this is a new time for me. A continuation of where I left off a few months ago but with a much different mind and spirit. I've never been a social person. I always sought a corner to lurk in and observe. Never reallly participated and the few times I have, I've been able to have a fairly good time. So I want to continue that and make friends and go out and isht.

Tommorow is my first time back in an actual gym class after doing treadmill for months. I haven't lost much weight but the inches go down rather quickly. So I guess either way I am maintaining my "life makeover". It sounds like a cliche, but it is very hard in actuality. Plugging away day after day week after week in the gym with slow results is hard. I've been eating too damn much. I am a late night closet eater which sounds terrible, I know, but it is the only down time I have, and food evidently brings out those endorphins. anyways as I know what the problem is I will be slapping my self like silly when the urge arises. time to cut that shit out.

I have a wedding to attend next spring and it's going to be my own!  so I have this calm non chalant demeanor when I mention it to anyone else, but inside I am starting to get excited. Already thinking of ways to make it my "special day". I am marrying my son's father. I am so frikken scarred, like I have to give up blood or something. nah, I love him, I want another baby by him. lol But it's hard thinking of having a martha stewart wedding and having a budget wedding. I want photos on the beach at least.