I am back and on track. After I came back from Jamaica life has been busy for me. No spare time, I had enough time to log on, check email and then go do something else. No joke. Then summer came...and there was like so much over time at work, and mad money to be made. So I worked my ass off and now I am determined to focus on other things now in the fall. Mainly myself and my social life. I've been in a rut the last few weeks, and my spirit just would not allow to me to progress. But now I'm like "fugg it", this is a new time for me. A continuation of where I left off a few months ago but with a much different mind and spirit. I've never been a social person. I always sought a corner to lurk in and observe. Never reallly participated and the few times I have, I've been able to have a fairly good time. So I want to continue that and make friends and go out and isht.

Tommorow is my first time back in an actual gym class after doing treadmill for months. I haven't lost much weight but the inches go down rather quickly. So I guess either way I am maintaining my "life makeover". It sounds like a cliche, but it is very hard in actuality. Plugging away day after day week after week in the gym with slow results is hard. I've been eating too damn much. I am a late night closet eater which sounds terrible, I know, but it is the only down time I have, and food evidently brings out those endorphins. anyways as I know what the problem is I will be slapping my self like silly when the urge arises. time to cut that shit out.

I have a wedding to attend next spring and it's going to be my own!  so I have this calm non chalant demeanor when I mention it to anyone else, but inside I am starting to get excited. Already thinking of ways to make it my "special day". I am marrying my son's father. I am so frikken scarred, like I have to give up blood or something. nah, I love him, I want another baby by him. lol But it's hard thinking of having a martha stewart wedding and having a budget wedding. I want photos on the beach at least.

So I have booked my flight to Jamaica for 3 weeks to go and visit family. I am looking forward to the trip because I need the vacation, but I am also slightly dissapointed because I was hoping to be about 20 pounds lighter. But I've shed 2 pounds in the last week and if I can keep eating healthy and continue at 3 days minimum in the gym per week I am confident that I can attain at leastt a 10 pound weight loss by the time my flight takes off on March 26.

I am dissapointed in the way some people treat me. I am not a confrontational type of person so it hurts my feelings when people say insensitive things to me regarding my weight or appearance in general. What do you say to someone who calls you a "fass ass" friend or not? I can take a joke once ina  while but constantly it hurts my feelings and I have to maintain this outward appearance that it doesn't hurt my feelings but inwardly I'm like, 'whoa, am I only the size of my ass or hips?' There's so much more to me but yet 'regular' sized people judge me completely by the way I look. I am having a sensitive moment right now. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel confident, I'm tired of society always telling me I need to be lighter complexioned and a smaller waist and lighter in weight. I want to be comfortable no matter what size I am and have people appreciate me for who I am and what I do and what I contribute rather than just the size of my pants. *sigh*

What a messed up vbalue system we have. I bust my ass everyday, I am polite and hard working yet I get little to nothing back. Sorry I am "whining" like this but I am just wondering, when is everything going to finally fall into place for me? When am I  going to be happy with the person i've become? When are my accomplishments going to be acknowledged and when, dera Gawd when will people judge me on my accomplishments/morals/ethics rather than the colour of my skin and weight?

Gahhhhhh anyways I;m outtie. My ISP and/or internet connection is still giving me problems with connecting to bravejournal soooo I'll update ina while.

Amanda

Okay so my last post was short and not very informative. I lost one pound because I was eating terribly due to stress, but Thank goodness I was able to see my doctor who gave me a "reality smack down" with the truth. I love reality smack down (my term for the brutal honest truth) so I told her although my eating habits are pretty good during the day, once I get home from a along day I am practically starving, and if I am hungry, like most people, I tend to over stuff myself, late at night and as a result, I only lost one pound (but on the plus side I've  lost several inches). So she perscribed Meridian

even better news is that I have booked my flight to Jamaica to go and see my son's father. I am so excited and desperately need the break from work. Work kind of sucks right now. I was up for an interview that I know I was the perfect candidate for but lost out to a pretty slim "miss perfect" type, which I figured would happen because the company I currently work for seems  to be that way. I have a good business instinct. So I am exhausted and slightly pissed at the decision. Corporate has a lot of positives but as usual life is not always fair.  Sniffle, their loss

c ya

So I went to my dr yesterday and found out some alarming news: from my last appointment with her I have lost 1 pd! I am really dissapounted in myself but not really surprised as I have been on some sort of feel sorry for myself binge for at least a month now. I feel like hey as long as I go to the gym on a regular basis I can eat as much chocolate  and takeout as I like, right? WRONG! Anyways thank god for dr's because it was a reality check I know I needed if I expet to succeed at my weightloss goals.

I've been under an increasing amount of stress lately and I have internalized the pressures of everyday life. I have to stop beating myself up over things I cannot change. So anyways I am goign to read my body makeover group book and rearrange my diet so I am not so tempted by the bad unhealthy foods I am so accustomed to. I want to change myself for good this time. Anyways someone please ask bravejournal why in the hell I can't log on from home.

Peace,

Amanda

Tommorow I plan on buying a lil spiral notebook so I can start logging meals. I figure if I can at least acknowledge the good and bad stuff that I put into my mouth it will encourage me to continue eating healthier. I will have to deal with my hormones and daily stress in a better way.

July 2005, Before Pic

As you can see I am a proportionate big gurl. I carry my weight throught out my body but the belly fat is a asmewhat new thing which is what triggered me to my new lifestyle.

Nov or Dec 2005, Before Pic #2

I am sort of slouching but the belly fat has gone down a bit. Breasts and thighs are also slimming out. Unfortunately these pics aren't the best because one is closer up than the other so the results aren't that dramatic. I have lost overall 60 pounds since May of last year. I'm doing great in the gym, now I just have to do at least great 80% of the time diet wise as well.

Well as I've said to myself many times before this is a lifestyle change and not a diet. I don't have to many strict rules of what I put in my mouth, generally speaking it has to be somethign I would be happy to report to my Dr, or other inquiring minds. It has to be nutritious, so no empty calories and I get one cheat day a week. Unfortunately cheat days becomes extended usually a week or so before my auntie flo comes over. I dunno it's hormones I guess, but still it sets me back and sheeeeeit I am really trying to intensify my results. If you consult with my workout calendar, you'll see that my visits to the gym have increased by a day, I am trying to work up to 1/2 hr on the treadmill before or after a class. In body pump, I was doing squats, tricieps, biceps etc with 3 1/2 kg and now I have moved to 5 kg for squates, chest extension and lunges. for triceps I am still at 2 1/2 but the point is I am increasing and improving all around. It always makes me happy to see what I have achieved.It also makes me happy when people who know me can see the results.

Strangers how ever can sometimes be downright discriminatory to me and I figure other fat people. On one hand I've experienced the insults, and assumptions and plain ol nastiness since I was a child. yes I was a fat child, and personally I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Anywho I have a tough skin, but still I van be quite sensitive. So now when I encounter rude people who raise eye brows at my weight or whatever, I become the fat, black alley mcbeal. I envision doing violent things. Sometimes I want to just confirm their fat person stereotypes and sit on them, or bend over and blow a real stink fart in their face. you know, something a "gross fat person" would do. Unfortunately I am to sane to literally indulge in these twisted fantasies.

I think for most overweight.fat.obese/plus size people it's not just about acceptance, I think it has to do with just being care free when they walk out their front door, and not being made to feel self conscious. I think it's ignorant for people to tell a big person to go the gym or diet, and then when we do we're stared at or whispered after. We are human too.

There's this one owman in the gym, I can tell she doesn't like me because I am so big. I can tell she finds it humorous to see me in there and several times this woman has made me feel  uncomfortable. Today as I am walking out she is sitting on the bench, playin like she tyin her shoes, but I can see her watching me out the corner of her eyes, as I pass I look into the mirror and she is watching me, so I turn and say "I can see you looking at me" I guess that was the point eh? Get the fat girl upset or sumfin. I would love to sit on her, not just sit but like run and body slam her  Or something just as painful as she's made me feel. However she won't win, I never let people like her win. Ignorant elitists. I love to make them cringe with fat girl envy.

I'll be back evil gym heifer muahahahahha!

Menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal & coffee

Lunch: Pad thai & fruit salad

Dinner: Tuna Sandwhich on wholegrain bread & beef & barley soup (primo)

Exercise: Body Combat - 1hr

The last few weeks have been pretty interesting for me. Well not in an exciting way,but more so emotionally. I've been up and down and worried and everything else inbetween. One of those "periods" I guess. And when i get into one of these periods, things can happen.

I'm sticking with my exercise goals, Ive ben increasing by a day each week, trying to build up to 5, yes it will basically take up my free time during the week, but I would have the weekends off to relax. As for diet, I have to give myself a pat on the back because I've passed up my biggest weaknesses 2 times in a row this week (lindor chocolates assorted pack, and mini cupcakes). I literally stood there tonight watching this mini cupcakes, tasting the creamy sweet goodness in my mouth...and I said to myself, "which would taste better these cupcakes right now, or getting to your next target weight" and then I walked away. I came home and had a sensible meal (see above) and I feel good in knowing that I've ultimately made the right choice. Besides I am going to a club in 2 weeks and I have to save my calories for the alcohol!

Yesterday I was at another class and my worse nightmare came true. At the end of most group exercise classes we do crunches. Well everyones head is in the direction of someone elses bum. Anyways I'm doing a crunch, inhale, and almsot gag! Someone let one loose, and it wasn't even one of those sweet cloyish farts, no it was one of the I ate rotten eggs and have got to go NOW farts. I was disgusted and covered my nose, and the smell seeped through my tshirt. I looked around wanting to see who the culprit was, but no one gave a hint, so I just held my breath until the air cleared.  I will forever be traumatized.

I am reminded yet again of why I mainly keep to myself and my small circle of trusted friends...I had a friend come over yesterday as it was my day off. I decided why the hell not, I am alone, it is supposed to be my day with Mr.A, but Mr.A had to work, so I was left at home playing homemaker. Anyways we had an interesting convo about a club we both attend. As much as I hated to admit it, I was attracted to him because of his intelligence and his need for debate...a good debate always gets me goin  anywho his attraction to me is not in the least bit controlled and quite frankly we had fun cuddling and messing around. It felt good to be attractive to some1, sexy even, but afterwards I was left feeling a bit guilty because I like Mr.A, I want to save myself soley for Mr.A, but it's frustrating at times because he isn't as available as I would like him to be, and he hasn't specified if we are exclusive. I think for him, asking me to be exclusive with him would be hard, after all I have a child and he don't want to be a daddy. I guess I should address this with him, because I don't want him to be daddy or baby daddy I just want us to chill out and talk and make love and laugh like we already do but just us and not an open undefined relationship as we have now. Guys don't get it do they? Sex is never truly casual for a woman, we always form some sort if attachment even if it is just a fantasy....

And I have to admit, every time I think of mr.A and the experiences we have shared it sends shivers up and down my spine. I smile and save all the cute funny texts and messages he's left me. I am almost scared to ask him if we can make love, because everytime we get together passion just overcomes us, and we have to be in each others arms beofre we can sit back and discuss ps's and software. But there's so much beyond that and I want to know I am special to him, but men always get scared when a girl reveals these types of feelings to them. I hate even admitting this to myself, after all it was I who said this was just a sexual thing.

And so to distract myself I look  forward to work, and the gym and getting back to this club I haven;t been to in ages...The club...I'm giving it another shot because it's been a yr and so many new people have gone, so I've heard, and I honestly just want to get dressed uo feel sexy in an innocent and fun way and shake my booty. I think if I concentrate on the positive, the friends I haven't seen i ages, the people I would like to become friends, I can avoid the negatives. Right? I dunno but for me the risk is all the fun. hmmm

Anyways i am blathering now, time for bed so I can sleep and wake up and face another day, tomorrow is body pump again and I need to let my muscles rest. ugh squats

does it still count 3 days after the big event? sure.  

the last few days have been insane. in so many ways. i slept, ate,  and boozed it up for over a week. no exercise, or really watching what i ate. ok so i walked to the corner store for a grand total of 20 min. it was strange...i was craving stomach crunches...then i passed out, woke up and ate cheesecake. the point of this all really, is that i went to the gym! i didn't even have to push myself that hard. im sore rigth now, but thats okay...after i weighed myself i realized i am 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, and thats exciting because my son will be 4 in april!  thats 50 lbs of fat gone. and i worked damn hard for it. pay no mind to the 1st paragraph!

I also got to see "Mr.A" last week. Mr.A, just so yall know is this guy. i have a crush on him. i met him in '04 and we kind of saw each other for a few months. he dissapeared, and i met my ugly stank ass breath ex and then he, Mr.A,  sent me an email 2 months ago. i was hesitant to have any kind of expectations cause i figured he wasn't in to me...anyways we saw each other, this time we were completely alone, with no chattering preschooler, and it was..different. a good different, we talked and cuddled more. so i'v met someone and he intrigues me.

so it's a new year. i have goals. i have dreams. but most of all i'm determined to keep doing what im doing (and lose about 40 more by the time i go to jamaica in april) and basically just continuing to improve myself, inside & outside. oh ya and make this one of the best years my son and I've ever had.

okay now that im all pumped up, its time to go to bed. gnight!

All around it has been a pretty good week for myself. I've hit the gym 3 nights this week so I am increasing slowly. I am hearing form people that the results are finally starting to show. My travel training is nearing an end finally, and soon I will be able do as I please. yesterday, I took my first call and booked insurance. It felt great to finally have everything come together.