Menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal & coffee

Lunch: Pad thai & fruit salad

Dinner: Tuna Sandwhich on wholegrain bread & beef & barley soup (primo)

Exercise: Body Combat - 1hr

The last few weeks have been pretty interesting for me. Well not in an exciting way,but more so emotionally. I've been up and down and worried and everything else inbetween. One of those "periods" I guess. And when i get into one of these periods, things can happen.

I'm sticking with my exercise goals, Ive ben increasing by a day each week, trying to build up to 5, yes it will basically take up my free time during the week, but I would have the weekends off to relax. As for diet, I have to give myself a pat on the back because I've passed up my biggest weaknesses 2 times in a row this week (lindor chocolates assorted pack, and mini cupcakes). I literally stood there tonight watching this mini cupcakes, tasting the creamy sweet goodness in my mouth...and I said to myself, "which would taste better these cupcakes right now, or getting to your next target weight" and then I walked away. I came home and had a sensible meal (see above) and I feel good in knowing that I've ultimately made the right choice. Besides I am going to a club in 2 weeks and I have to save my calories for the alcohol!

Yesterday I was at another class and my worse nightmare came true. At the end of most group exercise classes we do crunches. Well everyones head is in the direction of someone elses bum. Anyways I'm doing a crunch, inhale, and almsot gag! Someone let one loose, and it wasn't even one of those sweet cloyish farts, no it was one of the I ate rotten eggs and have got to go NOW farts. I was disgusted and covered my nose, and the smell seeped through my tshirt. I looked around wanting to see who the culprit was, but no one gave a hint, so I just held my breath until the air cleared.  I will forever be traumatized.

I am reminded yet again of why I mainly keep to myself and my small circle of trusted friends...I had a friend come over yesterday as it was my day off. I decided why the hell not, I am alone, it is supposed to be my day with Mr.A, but Mr.A had to work, so I was left at home playing homemaker. Anyways we had an interesting convo about a club we both attend. As much as I hated to admit it, I was attracted to him because of his intelligence and his need for debate...a good debate always gets me goin  anywho his attraction to me is not in the least bit controlled and quite frankly we had fun cuddling and messing around. It felt good to be attractive to some1, sexy even, but afterwards I was left feeling a bit guilty because I like Mr.A, I want to save myself soley for Mr.A, but it's frustrating at times because he isn't as available as I would like him to be, and he hasn't specified if we are exclusive. I think for him, asking me to be exclusive with him would be hard, after all I have a child and he don't want to be a daddy. I guess I should address this with him, because I don't want him to be daddy or baby daddy I just want us to chill out and talk and make love and laugh like we already do but just us and not an open undefined relationship as we have now. Guys don't get it do they? Sex is never truly casual for a woman, we always form some sort if attachment even if it is just a fantasy....

And I have to admit, every time I think of mr.A and the experiences we have shared it sends shivers up and down my spine. I smile and save all the cute funny texts and messages he's left me. I am almost scared to ask him if we can make love, because everytime we get together passion just overcomes us, and we have to be in each others arms beofre we can sit back and discuss ps's and software. But there's so much beyond that and I want to know I am special to him, but men always get scared when a girl reveals these types of feelings to them. I hate even admitting this to myself, after all it was I who said this was just a sexual thing.

And so to distract myself I look  forward to work, and the gym and getting back to this club I haven;t been to in ages...The club...I'm giving it another shot because it's been a yr and so many new people have gone, so I've heard, and I honestly just want to get dressed uo feel sexy in an innocent and fun way and shake my booty. I think if I concentrate on the positive, the friends I haven't seen i ages, the people I would like to become friends, I can avoid the negatives. Right? I dunno but for me the risk is all the fun. hmmm

Anyways i am blathering now, time for bed so I can sleep and wake up and face another day, tomorrow is body pump again and I need to let my muscles rest. ugh squats